When Everything Falls Apart
There's hardly anything like the emotion of a girl who just heard her father is dead.
Vance White's eyes. Somewhat related. (One of the few photos I have access to since my computer is out of service.)
What should we hold dear? Some things? Everything? Nothing? Most people won't live to see the age of 100. Material possessions come and go for a myriad of reasons. And the Earth? Check back in 5 billion years.
Moments like the one this girl experienced, and I witnessed, re-shock us into remembering that everything is temporary. One lesser tragedy that hit closer to home was the crashing of my laptop's hard drive. That shook me into realizing that pretty much my whole life, almost every hobby and job I take on, is dependent on that computer. Life is now less convenient, more difficult, and overall slower while it's awaiting repair.
I called my 84 year old grandma to say hi after that girl lost her dad. I also started thinking about what other dependencies people have in life, and how they can positively and negatively affect our day-to-day experiences. Family is the first one that came to mind. They are traditionally the foundation for people's entire lives, providing an upbringing, culture, and community for children as they grow. Another would be friends, which provide support structures and experiences. Then there's acquaintances, co-workers, etc. People live for social relationships, so, for the most part, having relationships to people is a positive.
The despair that we feel when we lose someone close is there because we're virtually losing a part of ourselves when they go away.
My computer is something that has become a part of me because of what I do. (Though, I'd never agree to have a machine *physically* become a part of me.) That girl's father was a part of her, probably a major one at that. Is there any way to protect against losing the people, things, and other nouns that make up the bulk of your livelihood? (After all, people can't be backed up to disk.)
The answer is probably: Be yourself. I accept that my friends have had a hand in making me who I am over the years and that my parents have had a tremendous impact on things like my work ethic and general persistence. But the main part of who I am hasn't been defined by outside influences. It's been crafted and honed by me. Original content, if you will. Without investing time in developing a unique persona, you will fall back on depending too much on other people for who you are as an individual.
So, take time to develop who you are before fate catches up to you. Everyone, and everything, will eventually disappear from your life. Sometimes they'll be replaced, for better or worse; sometimes they won't. The best way to prevent losing a a part of your life is dedicating less of your life to people and things outside of the being you make yourself.
Thoughts on Perspective
"You won't last six months in this town." - Anonymous
If you're sensible, you take an indirect hint from the broke fuckers who spend half their lives wasting away at the blackjack table, pounding back cigarette after drink after sorrow.
"It's always like this," The stranger across the table from me says after yet another losing hand.
I was in the same boat as him, walking away from the cards with 2/3 fewer chips than I started with. Thankfully, the $60 I used to bet with all came from video poker winnings from earlier. No matter what, I told myself, I'm leaving here $20 up.
Greed got the best of me that night. Though ending the night with a profit, it was much less than it could have been. After hitting two four of a kinds on video poker, I had turned my initial $40 into $150 for $110 profit. Half an hour and two more free beers, and that dropped to $60 profit, and I cashed out. It was 4 a.m., and this is when I tried to sleep and couldn't. So I tried my luck at blackjack at 6 in the morning. On a Sunday. Though I lost winnings, I convinced the pit boss to comp me breakfast.
There are two ways to look at this situation I put myself in. Either I could have won more, got greedy and lost, or I simply won $20, free food and drinks, and a night out. All of this seems to relate back to a concept I recently read about called the anchoring effect.
Golden Years
I can feel myself aging.
The same slippers go on the same feet every morning.
It's 6:30am, the only time I can wake up anymore.
I pour the same cup of coffee as yesterday and the day before.
"Hello, Coffee-mate."
What was I to do today? The sun was rising. The colorful but boring rays it cast onto the breakfast table didn't matter. The rose bushes lining my backyard, once perfected by the old woman, didn't matter. This shitty Folgers didn't matter.
"It must be nice to be old," said my young self. "Nothing to worry about. Just take medicine advertised on the so official-looking blue and red grids on TV and worry about nothing."
An early morning used to present me with a display of wonder and freshness. Now it signifies the start of a new daypart. Time for the news.
Then time for soaps. Judy, Maury, Springer - all the daytime classics - perpetuating irrelevant quarrels and failed relationships for all to reminisce over on TV Land.
Time was my only enemy. She graced my life with contrast and affection. And then fate took her away. More like a stroke, really. My life was once again single-sided. Plain, usual, day-to-day.
So maybe the heart attack phobia isn't so bad at this point. Nothing intrigues me anymore, not without her.
I down the last of the day's pills and case them with a Centrum. To my good health, pharmaceutical industry.
Shortness of breath. Upper arm, now jaw pains. Tightness.
This is it, I mumble. Good riddance.